Yesterday Will Never Be Today
Last night, I went online and my boyfriend tried to talk to me through Yahoo. Though, my internet was too slow, he immediately thought that I'm busy playing Ragnarok but I wasn't. I messaged him but my net was really too slow to get my reply through. So I decided to just stop my internet and call him on the phone. We talked for a while and he asked me if I already started looking for work. I said, no. Then asked me what I did all day. I couldn't say anything much.
*sigh* a mew moment of pause on the conversation and then he asked me to stop hiding and start shaping up. I've been hiding too long behind a game. Role-playing my life like a different person and forgetting what is real and what is there. I guess he is right. I really do need to shape up.
Not only just the other day that made me realize that I'm still too naïve on some things. Because I didn't want to see but then I just could not ignore what is in front of me. I remember my cousin telling me that "I've been around." For the truth, I have gone around although not quite. There are still things to see and things to know.
Every since I had an argument with my cousin a year ago she and I haven't talked to each other that much. I missed her and I want to talk to her like before but she's the one who's moving away. I wish it didn't turn out like this. I had to fight her to prove that I love my boyfriend even if she hates him for what he did to me. I cannot go into more details coz it is too personal. I would think some people or most people would feel the same. Only my real friends could understand my situation and respects my decision.
Yesterday, a friend of mine confined in me of what her x-boyfriend did to her and that made me realize what jerk that guy is. Unfortunately enough that that guy is also a friend of mine. I don't know how he could ever do such a thing to her but then again I had my experience of something like such as well to the point of being left for another girl. I know how that hurts and how mentally exhausting it will for months or even years.
I remembered people asking me the same question, "Do I love myself?" In that question comes with so many answers and could also be misinterpreted. Does it mean that I'm selfish? And if so, what is being selfish? If a guy is hurting you and you still stick around because you can't live without him, is that being selfish? Or is it not? I then asked my friend the same question. She answered that maybe she did love herself too much thus pushing the guy away.
I'm not good at giving advices about heartbreaks. All I could do is make people laugh but that time I tried to make her forget still she's hanged up. I can't say that it'll be ok and it'll be alright. I could see my old self in her, though, she's older than me. Then again, I don't believe on the age making you wiser. Only experiences will give wisdom. Some people can talk wisely but doesn't know how it really feels. Thus, making one an arrogant and tactless person.
Knowing all of this makes me feel powerless. I cannot control what others think, I also don't want to preach around that I'm any better. I know my fault and I try to live my life everyday dealing with those problems of mine but each day makes me weak. Wishing for yesterday will only make me a fool. I lost my urge to get up every morning and greet the sun with a warm hello. I think, I analyse things too much and making them my problem. And I think living alone makes it worse.