Confused

I watched the Brokeback Mountain a few hours ago with my best friend (Ian). He wore that pink shirt with the writings "Tough guys wear pink shirts." I was thrilled to see him and the shirt really look so cute on him. Knowing that he's gay.

It’s a sensible movie that I had to watch out of curiosity, a love story. It actually still made sense. A love that you can’t have... almost got into tears but I never pushed through.

Earlier, I left the office in a hurry. Since it was Friday and rush hour, the streets were filled with cars, jeeps, taxis, and traffic was really unbearable. I decided to take a walk from the office to Greenbelt Cinema where Ian was waiting for me.

A couple of blocks away, there was this girl who looked my age suddenly talked to me. “Are you going to walk?” she asked. I looked at her, startled for a few seconds and then answered, "Yeah."

Up to where?” she continued. I laughed a bit as I try to be judicious since I felt like was lost or some kind. I told her where I was heading and so she asked if she could tag along, feeling troubled and all. I said, "Sure. Ok...I don't mind" It didn’t really mattered to me if someone walked alone beside me although I didn’t want to be so rude walking all the way to Greenbelt looking down the pavement trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I asked her if she hadn’t tried walking through the street at those times. She said never and from the way she said it...she sound like she’s scared of walking alone.

I know how that feels and from the point on, I somehow felt relieved that I had someone to walk with (even for a few minutes). We went on talking about things and asked me what I was going to do in Greenbelt. I told her I’m going to watch a movie. She then asked me if I’m going to be with my boyfriend. I gave a slight laugh and said, "Nah, I’ve been single since December. I’m going out with my best friend. We’re going to watch brokeback."

From that last sentence, she opened up her love life and told me that she had a break up three weeks ago. That her girlfriend went to Dubai. "oh," I said... I wasn’t surprised at all but then it still made me think to myself as I want to continue to finish my sentence but I stopped for a few seconds. I don't want to say anything that will offend her. I just didn’t know what else to say except, "ah well...as I say to myself, if it is not really meant to be." The conversation went on and on, then we parted as she and I exchanged names.

A few walks more before I got to meet up with Ian, had me thinking. Why don’t I have that much girl friends? I never did like some of the attitudes when they act like they think they are a damsel in distress. I’ve met a couple of lesbians and they are actually ok to hang out with. That made me think, am I a lesbian? But there’s no sigh in me of wanting any physical attraction or rather "sexually inclined."

There was one dream that I had a few years ago, that I had a sex with Angelina Jolie. And that was after watching Tomb Raider – The cradle of life. (I love and hate my mind...sometimes) having to debate with myself, on trying to define who I really am. I end up just saying "love in this world is really never confined just between opposite sex. If I find or meet someone that I really love, even if it’s a girl or a boy then why not right?" though, I am not about to go to the other side just because of having bad experiences with men the past couple of years. I still want a fall in love with a guy and make love to him as he would love me the same way.

Comments

behja said…
i have quite a few gay and lesbian pals, and they're all cool. dont worry about it so much, if you meet the right person, whether guy or girl, you'll know, and you dont have to force yourself into anything.

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