I still love you
Last Tuesday night, I had dinner and coffee with one of my close friends. We had a few good laughs and then I told him one of my darkest secrets. One that made me where and what I am today. One of my nightmares in life; one that could shatter any one in their childhood days. One reason why I don't like people tell or force me what to do. One reason why I don't want to be so close to anyone and yet I have lots of friends. Its the only nightmare that I don't want to remember but it always seem to come back whenever I am at rest.
A few minutes ago, I just finished watching “The Butterfly Effect”. By watching that, I would somehow wish that I could have been so aware of my past that I could have changed things and life would not have been this hard. I wouldn't have to put up with my fears and hide inside the closet all those times. I struck fear to myself. I remembered those conversations that I had with my friend over at starbucks the other night. All about God. I wanted to label myself as an agnostic but he said that I wasn't. I still cared too much about God even if I don't really know how to pray, but for taking a few seconds just to say thank you is already a prayer.
As said, “God works with mysterious ways.” Knowing just a little of the bible and how scary he can become if one of us is being tested. I started remembering that time when a friend of mine from college who did a tarot reading on me. A card was dealt and the only things I could remember was that there was a card with a drawing of a tower being stuck by lighting and the caption saying, “Tower of God”. That friend of mine explained to me that I will live through a path where God will put me through every challenge that he could think of.
Going back to the conversations, it went on and on about our views and about the church. One reason that I do not go to church is that in someway, I could notice people who I see praying but their belief is so little or sometimes... empty. How it hurts me to know that some people forsaking the thought that God, even if how heavy your sins are, he will forgive you. After praying, one would still curse and hate and do those bad things they did once again. I would have a hard time stepping inside a church since I know I have so many sins that I do not know how to face him.
Yesterday, I didn't go to work. I didn't feel like going. I received a letter whom I replied might have a repercussion of something that I would hate of having. So, I was wrong to assume but it something that scared me. I don't like having regrets; I don't like having this emotional pain that always cause me sleepless nights.
Have I lost faith? Am I being punished? Then again, from what my friend said to me that night, it is a test of faith. I am no worshiper and I know that it is hard to vision a “father” when my own father never really showed much belief in him. But I know that God is still looking over at me. That's why I am always restless, always on the move; pushing myself to change. Even if my life is like an edge of a saw, I still thank God for keeping me alive. Even if I am almost fed up with it.
I still love you, God.
A few minutes ago, I just finished watching “The Butterfly Effect”. By watching that, I would somehow wish that I could have been so aware of my past that I could have changed things and life would not have been this hard. I wouldn't have to put up with my fears and hide inside the closet all those times. I struck fear to myself. I remembered those conversations that I had with my friend over at starbucks the other night. All about God. I wanted to label myself as an agnostic but he said that I wasn't. I still cared too much about God even if I don't really know how to pray, but for taking a few seconds just to say thank you is already a prayer.
As said, “God works with mysterious ways.” Knowing just a little of the bible and how scary he can become if one of us is being tested. I started remembering that time when a friend of mine from college who did a tarot reading on me. A card was dealt and the only things I could remember was that there was a card with a drawing of a tower being stuck by lighting and the caption saying, “Tower of God”. That friend of mine explained to me that I will live through a path where God will put me through every challenge that he could think of.
Going back to the conversations, it went on and on about our views and about the church. One reason that I do not go to church is that in someway, I could notice people who I see praying but their belief is so little or sometimes... empty. How it hurts me to know that some people forsaking the thought that God, even if how heavy your sins are, he will forgive you. After praying, one would still curse and hate and do those bad things they did once again. I would have a hard time stepping inside a church since I know I have so many sins that I do not know how to face him.
Yesterday, I didn't go to work. I didn't feel like going. I received a letter whom I replied might have a repercussion of something that I would hate of having. So, I was wrong to assume but it something that scared me. I don't like having regrets; I don't like having this emotional pain that always cause me sleepless nights.
Have I lost faith? Am I being punished? Then again, from what my friend said to me that night, it is a test of faith. I am no worshiper and I know that it is hard to vision a “father” when my own father never really showed much belief in him. But I know that God is still looking over at me. That's why I am always restless, always on the move; pushing myself to change. Even if my life is like an edge of a saw, I still thank God for keeping me alive. Even if I am almost fed up with it.
I still love you, God.
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